Fluid...like jello

Recently I have gone on a mental health kick, I am getting back into meditation, I am practicing yoga and I am listening to a lot of guided lectures on various spiritual ideologies.  I think one of the most important lessons I have learned lately is that to be fluid like water, when things change just change with it, essentially – go with the flow.

How am I progressing? I have my moments, but it is freaking hard! 

I am learning just how many things in my genetic code have been hardwired incorrectly.  Besides my lazy gene, which I mentioned in the last post, I have this really annoying gene that I call the “people pleaser gene”.  This, my friends, is a very complicated gene.  Not only do I want everyone to like me and for me to be included in EVERYTHING,  I want to please those people too.  Here is the worst part, even if I don’t like those people, I want them to like me. Yes, even if I don’t want to go to the event, I want to be invited!  I know this is WAY unhealthy, and for more reasons than this one, I should be in therapy, but it amazes me just how hardwired this is within me. I am doing my own version of cognitive therapy right now, letting myself know this not healthy and I should just be like water – fluid and just go with it – but holy crap it amazes me where I go naturally. In my defense,  I have made improvements, but I am amazed at how often I have to talk myself down from the cliff.

Would you like to step inside my mind, it isn’t pretty – you might want to wait an hour if you have just eaten. Here is a glimpse: I get an email, and I am the ONLY one not included . Where do I go automatically - " Sally hates me, she left me out because she doesn’t like me" .  Then I say “stop it, you’re being silly, there are many names here and she probably just genuinely forgot”. Then comes, a small voice in my mind whom I a have dubbed, evil Danielle,  and she says “subconsciously you obviously aren’t important to her, otherwise she would have made sure your name was there”. Evil Danielle – you are one crafty devil!  

Man, that reads in a very neurotic tone. Hmm…maybe therapy isn’t too far away after all.

Like I said, I warned you, it’s not a pretty picture, but I think it is a place where many of us go automatically and frankly it has got to stop. I am getting better and believe it or not meditation does actually help a lot, I just need to beat the crap out of that lazy gene and keep on practicing.

So, am I fluid like water? Not yet, maybe I am at a jello or pudding consistently...but I am working on it...just don't cancel your dinner with me!