Welcome to Wee

Mmmm ...cookies

2011-10-24T07:28:00.000-07:00

I am sitting here in my in laws living room watching my little man play with what I can safely say is WAY too many toys. He arrived here in the great white North and so did a whole Toys R Us in the living room. He is spoiled rotten. But I honestly can't blame them, they don't get a chance to buy him stuff daily so when we see each other he gets a big dump of them. We leave for back home tomorrow and the car has doubled in volume with all of his toys. Mental note: declare all these toys at the border tomorrow - I have made that mistake before and suffered as a result.

I think I have gained 10 pounds at least coming to visit. I used to try hard and eat healthy here, but I have learned now just take the hit and make up for it later. My mom and hubby's mom likes to make childhood favorites and goodies there is no point in fighting. The worst is the ride home, since we travel through the states we can't bring anything with us, so we have to buy everything on the road. So I get to look forward to a diet of McDonalds and cookies tomorrow. Talk about ending on a high note.

Ah, eating on vacation - never good for you but what can you do but enjoy it. Mmmm....I smell some cookies, must be time for lunch.

Heading up North

2011-10-19T17:09:00.000-07:00

Here we go...our last trip up to the great white North to visit the grandfolks one last time this year. Normally the trip stresses me out. I mean all the packing, traveling and cleaning the house before leaving is annoying...and when we get there it is usually so busy with trying to squeeze in WAY too many visits. Yes, it is a big stress, but it`s usually fun too - there are always moments of drama but that`s what happens when you gather together your family. This time I am feeling a little different, don`t get me wrong there is still a bit of stress but it will probably be the last time we visit for a little while, so I am a bit more pensive.

I was concerned that the little man wouldn`t see his grandparents very much in his first year of life, but I think we did really well. We went up about 3 times this year and everyone else mustered up a couple of visits here. I think he has seen my sister the most probably because she is the closest in kilometers, but he has seen pretty much everyone else in equal parts. All and all I am pretty impressed, I don`t know if this will keep up but it`s off to a good start.

I am hoping this trip is a good one to end on. And more importantly I hope the cat doesn`t try to kill her kitty sitter while we are gone. That reminds me, I should go cut her nails...

So tired

2011-10-17T16:24:00.000-07:00

Today is technically the first day of our two week overlap. Hubby and I get some time with the little man. I think it will be nice, if we ever get a day to ourselves! We have the two weeks full of things to get done while there is two people home plus an incredibly long weekend to visit the family up North.

I have to be honest, it's only Monday and I am exhausted. So much running around, errands and things that I barely got a run in - okay it wasn't a run it was barely a walk - I am tired, okay? That got me thinking, I am going to be exhausted when I go back to work and even more when the little man starts daycare. I fear when he has to go to daycare. I know people do it, but I can't help but wonder how!?? How do you prep everything, get him off to daycare, go to work and be somewhat productive, come home with him and take care of him, and MAYBE occasionally get some exercise? HOW DO I DO THIS????!!! I thought I had long days before, I think my days are going to double in size if they haven't already.

I know, we will survive...but right now I am so tired I will let future Danielle worry about that. She's going to hate me...

Lost Friends

2011-10-16T16:28:00.000-07:00

At a recent lunch with a great friend it came to light that I have seemed to have lost a few friends. Not because I am mean...well I am...but that's not why I lost those friends, it's because I had a baby.

At first I was mad, I thought just because I popped a human being out my...well you know where, doesn't make me a different person; but then I thought yeah, it sort of does. I am a different person. I am someone who I like a lot right now and I don't think I have felt that way in a long time. People evolve in different ways in life, so it is natural for me to have lost some friends.

One of the main reason that I lost some people is that I am no longer a closet home body. I like being at home. I would rather play a fun board game at home then go out drinking/dancing. Don't get me wrong I love to dance, but I am really not interested in going "out" every weekend; and now I have no problem saying this out loud. I am not ashamed of it, I love it! If I could wear my jammies 24 hours a day 7 days a week I think I would.

Ummm..I digress (big shocker!). Yes I have lost some friends - they may stay lost forever or we may reunite some day. I may have lost some friends but I am not sad. I have some amazing people in my life who are better than friends - they are like family, so I really can't complain. Sure I wish I could stay really close with everyone, but life doesn't work that way. Some people just make little footprints in our lives. Don't get me wrong, I love these friends dearly but I have to be realistic, having a baby changes you and not everyone is ready for that change.

Last Day of Work..

2011-10-14T08:43:00.001-07:00

..sort of.

First of all apologies for my lack of blogging. I am lazy - that is all I have to say about that.

Second, today is my last day of just me and the baby; who is starting to resemble a toddler more than a baby now. Sigh. I can't believe it has been a year since I have been at work. I had a horrible pregnancy and ended up leaving a month early to try to stay alive. That, plus vacation has allowed the hubby his taste at a parental leave now. Today is his last day of work and my last day with baby alone. As of tomorrow we team up for 2 weeks and then after that I am back at work. Sometimes when I think about that, I picture a 2 year old Danielle kicking and screaming "I don't wanna go" as my mother drags me out of the store. This is exactly how I feel. I don't want to go...

Sigh. But I have to, I am still holding out for that elusive 25 hours a week job, but until then I have to work and I am actually very lucky to be working. I know many who are without jobs, so I must be thankful. So instead of whining (one of my best skills) I am going to reflect on this year.

I started out on a sick leave for a month before baby was born. I had an awful pregnancy and the end was torture. I spent most of November trying to unsuccessfully rest, while playing an amazing amount of spider solitaire. Then December came and so did baby - I went through a small amount of hell with the epidural and the dural puncture headache and complications but eventually got through it. Episiotomy - ya, I had the mother of all! But despite those first torturous 2 weeks, I got through it and things did get better. The first 6 weeks went by so slow, I was so sleep deprived and so not feeling well. Eventually they passed and it got a little bit easier. We were lucky by 3 months baby was sleeping through the night and all the sudden everything changed. It was so much fun! The rest of the time flew by in a happy blur. It was amazing to see the world in such a new way and to experience these "firsts" all over again.

In reflection mode, I see how much happier I am having a beautiful baby boy. I realize just how precious life is and it's a gift we shouldn't take for granted. I know things are going to be really busy from here on in and who knows what the future holds for us, but I am really grateful for my time with my baby. That is something that is completely mine, and I will always have that.

Mom is ALWAYS watching

2011-09-28T07:34:00.000-07:00

Baby and I went for a walk this morning which we usually do in the AM and on our walk I noticed something that was far too cute not to post about.

It was around the time school starts in the morning and a mother (which I know in the neighborhood) had let her daughter walk to school all by herself. Now the walk wasn't far - maybe 5 houses away but it was a matter of independence for the girl who was maybe about 6 or 7. The girl was so excited to walk to school all by herself like a big girl. You're probably wondering how do I know this? I spoke to her mom this morning - as she was hiding in a tree around the school making sure her daughter got there safe and sound. Now you may think this is too much, she just should have trusted things to work out but I thought it as a very endearing act. I probably would do the same.

After we chatted for a while I got to thinking - how many times have our own mothers or fathers have done the same. All these acts of independence for us - while secretly our mothers and fathers kept a hidden eye. I don't think it's a lack of trust and I don't mean that it happens at every occasion, but for these first times - our parents are there (and we have no idea). That's the point, we are experiencing independence - we have no idea we are being watched. The time we ride our bike by ourselves - we think we are all alone but mom is secretly watching out the bedroom window and dad is in the car a block away. Maybe not quite that extreme, but they are there and we don't know it. There is a commercial out there where there is a bunch of pictures of a child throughout the years and in the background is the mom - she is blurry or her head cut off or you just see a bit of her - not enough to notice outright but when you take a good look you see she is there. Now that I am a mom that commercial really gets to me. I never appreciated these things until now. My parents gave me the independence I needed - while giving me the support (which I didn't know was there). My mom and dad were always in the background - they were ALWAYS watching and for that I am grateful.

The countdown (reluctantly) begins

2011-09-26T12:52:00.001-07:00

Sigh. Deep sigh. This week begins with a very big sigh as it signifies only 5 weeks left until I must return to work. Do I want to return? No (who does!?). Do I HAVE to return? Yes...

I have grappled with this time and time again. I really don't want to go back but I really have to, unless I win the lottery (which isn't really working for me right now). Financially, I must return - we have bills to pay. I crunched the numbers, I thought about it long and hard - I think I would really enjoy being a stay at home mom but it would be tight-too tight if we were just to live off of hubby's salary. This has tortured me for months now. Wanting to give my son everything that I never had in life, while still actually being IN his life. This is every working mom's paradox. We always want to give our children everything we never had - that being said, it comes with a price. I know being there for him is much more important but it is more complicated that I thought it would be. I weighed a lot of things, and even if we did it, even if we lived really tight I am not 100% sure that is the best for him. Don't get me wrong, I would give him the best care and we could socialize ourselves through various mommies groups; but, I do think he would be missing that independent socialization and learning he could get from daycare. I really do believe in daycare or home-care (providing it is good). I believe children need that interaction among other children their age to really help them grown and learn. The first 3 years of your life are the most important one's so if you are in an environment that constantly stimulates you and provides you with that social element - you are doing pretty well.

So then I landed on: okay I do want him in daycare or home-care daily for him to learn and grow on his own BUT I don't want him there for 9 hours a day. That just doesn't sit well with me. I have decided I want to provide a certain standard of living which allows me to still spend what I think is a significant amount of time with him. Eventually he will be in school from 9-3pm, so I would like a job where I could drop him off at school go to work and then pick him up at 3pm. So if I could start those hours now, that would be great.

So I guess I have landed on working part time. Great! But oh so complicated to actually pull off. It's hard to find those jobs (I am not the only mom out there looking for it). Ideally I would like to remain at the University working 25 hours per week, but as I have learned over the past 3 months, that is really hard to find. So I will keep searching, but I also have to be realistic that I will probably be heading back full time until I find that job.

You know what is really bothering me right now - our time is over. This was the only time in our lives where it was just him and me, it was our time together and I think I am just sad that it is over with. I know he is learning and growing independent of me, he has been since he left the womb but now he is entering this social world of his own apart from me. It is the next step in his journey of life. I knew this time had to eventually end, but just let me shed a little tear as I say this for the first (and many more to come) time: my little man is growing up.

Stroke of Genius

2011-09-25T13:04:00.000-07:00

I had a brilliant idea. So brilliant that it is worthy of posting. Someone out there should invent the self cleaning house. It works just like your self cleaning oven. Wait a minute, your self cleaning oven works but burning off everything...hmmm...never mind.

So much for genius.

Moving thoughts

2011-09-24T07:33:00.000-07:00

A couple of months ago this little thought crept into my mind - how about we move back to my home town. I quickly suppressed it and told myself that is crazy talk. But lately the little thought has been popping in more and more. I mentioned it to my sister and she agreed with myself and said that was crazy talk. I would really miss my friends and the city itself. Not only is the city awesome and has many amenities, but it is close to many other places; back home is in the middle of nowhere. She's right and again I talked myself down. Somehow rationalizing has done nothing to my thought bug and it's now always in the back of my mind. Hubby says there really isn't jobs for us there, but if I see something it's worth looking into. That's his way of saying now isn't the right time - and I agree. Things would not happen for like 5 years, if they happen at all. I know career wise he is in a place where he is happy right now and that plays a big part. I need to be patient. I need to wait for some job opportunities and I need to wait and see what happens with family. My sister is still unstable right now and could stay around here or move back herself and my parents are toying with the idea of moving closer to us as well. So patience is the key here. Besides I would like to have another baby in the future and I would really rather do it here. Be patient Danielle.

I know, if you are one of the two people who read this you are like" WHAT??!!, "WHY??!!"; and really the big reason is family. Now that I have a family of my own I am really starting to see how important it is to have family around. And there is a little part of me that misses the small community vibe. That being said, I live in a neighborhood that really does replicate that so I really can't complain too much, but it's not quite the same. I will admit I have slowed down now and I really actually like it. There was a point in my life where I was out with friends every weekend, not necessarily at a bar but out of town or at a house party or anything. We did a lot and had a good time and if you had asked me then to move back I would have laughed in your face. Now a lot has happened, my views have changed. In retrospect I was always somewhat of a homebody and lately (especially with the birth of our baby boy) I am really starting to enjoy a more domestic side to life. Actually, I love it! People settle down at different points in their lives and this is where I am starting to feel that I am settling into who I am and starting to really understand what I want from life. I am starting to feel that longing for a small town and close knit community and to be surrounded by family.

Don't get me wrong. I see what can happen here. I could move back and go insane! I am fully aware that can happen. Having my parents and in-laws around could drive me mad, and being in the middle of the beautiful great white north could leave me with some terrible misses; not to mention missing all the awesome friends I have made here. But there is a part of me that would kind of like to see how it would be.

I don't know what the future holds for us - but if you asked me to move back now I wouldn't laugh; I would simply say: that would be nice.

Time for Me

2011-09-21T12:53:00.000-07:00

I am trying to commit to the blogging - because I do really enjoy it. Right now I am currently on maternity leave and you would think I would have oodles of time to do it. Sadly I do not. Contrary to popular belief, people on mat leave a) do leave the house regularly and b) don't have an abundance of time on their hands. If you have been there you understand, if you haven't (and you want to) then it will all make sense in due time. If you don't care, well I have no idea why you are reading this.

My day is pretty busy and to be honest I like it that way. I suppose if you ignored your kid and fresh air weren't that important to you, you could sit on the couch all day watching TV. I guess I chose not to do that. I consider my mat leave my job - the only difference is the pay sucks...well come to think of it maybe that's not that far of a stretch from real life. Sigh. My day starts when my little boy gets up at 7am and really doesn't end until he is asleep at 7pm. It's a 12 hour day but I usually get help from the hubby - after all it took two of us to make our little baby, it takes two of us to take care of him. At first it was really hard but now it had gotten a lot easier so it is much more of a joint effort in the evenings. But hubby does put him to bed most nights. You're probably thinking - that's awesome (and it is), but you have to remember now that his bedtime is consistently at 7pm, and hubby gets home around 5 or 6 - he only sees him for 1 or 2 hours, so that time is really important to him.

I digress (big surprise). My day consist of feedings (I make my own baby food - so there is more work for ya!), changing diapers, playing, encouraging new tasks (ie: helping the walking), daily walks/runs with stroller, play dates, running errands, cleaning up, cooking, the list is really endless. It starts early and really doesn't have a moment to stop. When you have a baby who is 9 months old the world is a big place to explore so frankly he doesn't sit still (nor should you really encourage that in my opinion). So you can't leave the room with him in it to go do some laundry, he is in EVERYTHING, so you must always be close by. It is exhausting. I really believe in being there for my little guy, so I want to be around encouraging. It is my choice that my days are very busy. I could very well leave him in the crib all day while I watch tv. But if you do that - why did you even have children?

To set the record straight, the only time I have to be just me is when he is napping and that happens twice a day (but soon will be turning to only once a day). The first one around lunch time and the second one around 3pm. Each lasting an hour. I always use the first one for some relaxing exercise - yoga, or tai chi or something like that which really helps me focus the rest of the day. The second one I use to each lunch and mentally decompress. It is during this second me moment that I plan to blog now. So depending on how napping is going (don't kid yourself, sometimes you get short changed!), I hope to have a couple of posts up there.

But I hear the early kicks of a baby on his crib signaling to me in some primitive language to get off my butt and come change his.

Sigh...I thought I had more time today...

I think this everyday.

Welcome (me) Back!

2011-09-21T12:43:00.000-07:00

Greetings! I am officially welcoming myself back. I had managed to sporadically blog throughout my pregnancy and thought that I would keep it up after baby was born. Sigh, I am so lazy. To my defense being a first time mom is pretty hard to get the hang of at first. Those first few weeks I barely had time to shower let alone blog. But I can't go back in time only go forward so here I am 9 months later! My apologies in case you were one of the (maybe) 2 people I can think who may actually read this. Sigh...again.

I wish I could make a career out of this. I don't know how some people are able to do it. The blogging world is pretty cut throat - everyone who has a computer and has an opinion can do it. Just like me. What you need to be is not lazy - so I am not sure how I will last. Hmmm...my dream is to win the lottery and then stay at home in my beautiful renovated home and blog to my hearts content. That, and be an awesome mommy. I am working on the awesome mommy thing, and I can tell you it's a hell of a lot easier when you are able to stay at home. But like I mentioned before I am working on that (wining the lottery..it's so easy, why didn't I think of it before!!).

Anyhoo, the main point here is I am back to blogging and I hope you are back to reading (or casually glancing...I will try to keep it condensed).